From: jstaik1043@earthlink.net -------------------- Ranma 1/2: Ranma's Horrible Secret - Part 1 By Jack Staik -------------------- Akane ran through the house, crying. She ran up the stairs and slammed her bedroom door. P-Chan trotted up to his mistress, nuzzling her, trying to give her comfort. Akane grabbed the piglet up and squeezed him close. "Oh P- Chan, it's so - so horrible!" P-Chan thought. No one else could make Akane this miserable. He'd have to change back to human and stomp on Saotome. "Poor Ranma!" she wailed. "My poor Ranma! I never knew - oh it's so terrible! My poor Ranma!" he thought. "I've been so cruel to him! I've accused him - I've beaten him - he must hate me!!" she cried, pouring her heart out to P-Chan. "And all this time - I never - never knew - " Ryoga was, by this point, thoroughly confused. "If I had known, I'd never - never have been so mean to him! I'd never have hit him - never have called him a pervert - never have accused him of flirting with all those girls! I'M A HATEFUL, CRUEL, NASTY BITCH AND I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM!!! WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" While Akane did her Soun-imitation, Ryoga asked himself, * * * * * * * * * * Nabiki looked up as Ranma came in. Before he had set both feet inside, Soun had grabbed him. "WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY LITTLE GIRL, RANMA?!?" he roared. "What are you talking about, Tendo??" "Akane started crying, ran upstairs, and locked herself in her room! Now go and apologize to her!" "Daddy, NO!" Nabiki snapped. "eh?" Soun turned toward his middle daughter in confusion. "Ranma ... didn't do anything to Akane. He's innocent." Ranma was confused. *Nabiki* sticking up for *him*? he thought. "Well, then," Soun replied, "WHY AREN'T YOU UPSTAIRS COMFORTING MY LITTLE GIRL, RANMA?!?" "Hey!" Ranma cried. "LEAVE HIM ALONE, YOU BULLY!!" Nabiki cried. "STOP PICKING ON POOR RANMA!!" went Nabiki's mallet over Soun's head. Ranma couldn't have been more surprised if someone had told him Happosai was a member of an anti-pornography organization. "Huh??" he commented with his usual wit. Nabiki looked at him, sorrow and - pity? - in her eyes. Then she turned and dashed upstairs, only a faint sob escaping her lips. Ranma looked at the unconscious Soun. "What the heck was *that* about?" he asked. Soun declined to reply. * * * * * * * * * * Akane brushed her hair carefully, trying to relax. "I should have known, shouldn't I, P-Chan?" she said to her pet piglet. "All the signs were there. I should have seen it, it was so ... obvious! And it explains everything! Why he acts like he acts, the way he treats me ... I'm never going to forgive myself." She took a deep breath. "What do I do now?" "Bwee!!" "You're right, P-Chan!" she said firmly. "I'll make it up to him! I'll be nice and friendly and trusting and stick up for him and make sure those nasty girls never touch him again! I'll become the best fiancee he could have! Why, soon, we'll become best friends!" "Bwee!!" "Thanks, P-Chan," she said. "Talking to you always helps." Getting up and going to the door, she whistled, now cheerful and happy. As she left, Ryoga-buta wondered what evil plot Saotome had hatched, to trick Akane like that. Due to whatever sinister lies he had told, Akane was ready to practically throw herself at him! He had to save her! First, he had to find the door. * * * * * * * * * * In her room, Nabiki wept freely for the first time since she was a child. Soon, her crying jag had run it's course, and she calmed down. she said to herself, Nabiki pulled out her cell phone and dialed a number. "Kikuko? Nabiki ... I have a new project. We have to recover every single picture of Ranma we've sold. ... Yes, *all* of them! Buy the ones you can, trade them for the Kodachi-and- the-cucumber pics, *steal* them if you have to! ... What are we going to do with them? We're going to destroy them. ... Don't question my orders, girl!" Wioth that done, Nabiki pulled out a drawer of her desk and pulled out some photographs and negatives. Carefully, she put the negatives in a metal lock-box on her desk, then set a match to them. As the negatives burned, she carefully set each photograph of Ranma Saotome - in both forms - on fire before dropping it into the box. "Not enough," she said to herself. "I shouldn't have done taken them in the first place ... I've got a long way before I can make it up to you, Ranma. But now I know some things are more important than profit. Thank you for that." * * * * * * * * * * "Dinnertime!" Kasumi called. Akane and Nabiki were the last to come to the table. RAnma and Genma were already eating (as usual), and Genma was stealing Ranma's food. As Genma reached over to grab a pickle, Akane's foot came down on his hand. "CUT THAT OUT, YOU SLOB!!" she barked. "HOW *DARE* YOU?!?" "Wha-??" quoth both Saotomes. Nabiki hit Genma several times with a plate. "How *dare* you steal Ranma's food, you - you panda!" "Here, Ranma-kun," said Akane in a cheerful voice, "have some of my stir-fry." Nabiki glared at Genma. "You even think about trying to swipe Ranma's food again, and you'll be the newest exhibit in Tokyo Zoo. Understand, lard-ass?" Genma quailed before Nabiki's threat. "I was just trying to train the boy's reflexes. Heh heh." Ranma looked at the gently-smiling Akane, the fiercely- protective Nabiki, and decided that they must have gotten dosed by one of Shampoo's potions. "Um, did you two eat some of Shampoo's drugged food or something?" he asked in his most subtle fashion. (Subtle as fishing with dynamite.) "Tee hee. You're so funny, Ranma-kun," Akane giggled. "Why can't I just want to do something nice for my fiancee and best friend?" she asked, snuggling close to him. Ranma's eyes bugged out and his pig-tail stood straight up. "Oh joy!" Soun cried. "She wants to be his fiancee! We must take advantage of this! We can get a priest over right away - Kasumi, you go downtown and get the marriage license -" Akane and Nabiki's dual mallet attack drove Soun into the floor down to his neck. "Damn it, Daddy!" Nabiki yelled, "Can't you stop harassing Ranma?" "I'll marry Ranma when *he* asks me, not before!" Akane agreed. "Now stop bullying my Ranma!" "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!?" Ranma demanded. Nabiki and Akane looked at Ranma, their eyes all big and dewy and innocent. "Why, whatever do you mean, Ranma-kun?" asked Nabiki. "Why are you two acting so weird?" Akane looked horrified. "Oh no! I did something wrong! I'm sorry, Ranma! Please forgive me!" she cried, glomping onto him and sobbing. "Akane? Please don't - don't cry -" Ranma mumbled before surrendering to the inevitable, putting his arms around her and giving her comfort. "We're sorry, Ranma," Nabiki said, her eyes downcast. "We just wanted to be nice to you." "Why?" he asked. "Neither one of you ever wanted to be nice to me before." "OH GOD HE HATES ME!!" Akane yowled, her eyes fountaining tears. "I'M SORRY!! I DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE!!" "WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" Nabiki cried. "HE HATES ME TOO!! I NEVER SHOULD HAVE TREATED HIM LIKE I DID!! I'M A BAD PERSON!!" "SO AM I!!" Akane agreed. "WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" "I don't hate either of you! Please stop!" Ranma begged. "I don't hate you! I like you both! Really! You're two of the nicest girls I know!" "Thank you, Ranma-kun!" the two girls sang out in tandem. "Thank you!! Thank you!!" They showered Ranma's cheeks with kisses. "HEY!!" Ranma cried. "Cut that out!" While this happened, Soun, Genma, and Kasumi exchanged gazes of total confusion. * * * * * * * * * * While all this went on, Ryoga had found the bathroom (while somehow having avoided the hallway), changed back to human, put on his spare clothes, and jumped out the window. In just a few minutes (by keeping one hand on the wall), he found the back porch. He looked inside and saw the fiendish Ranma molesting both Akane and Nabiki! Oh how the poor girls struggled and cried to escape the pervert! "RANMA!! HOW DARE YOU MOLEST AKANE?!? PREPARE TO DIE!!" he cried, umbrella raised. "NOOO!!!" Akane yelled. "I'LL SAVE YOU, RANMA!!" she cried, leaping toward Ryoga and tackling him. "Akane?!? What are you doing?!?" Ryoga demanded. "Don't talk to me, you thug! You bully! How dare you attack my Ranma! I'll punish you, you brute!" Ranma looked on as Ryoga was beaten into unconsciousness, totally confused. "Nabiki, what's going on?" "Why, nothing, Ranma," she said in her best 'Why-Officer-I- Have-No-Idea-How-That-Got-There' voice. "Can't a girl want to protect her fiancee?" "But I beat up Ryoga all the time. I don't need protection from him. And please stop hugging me!" Nabiki jumped back. "Oh no! I'm sorry Ranma!" Akane came back in, dragging a throughly-beaten Ryoga behind her. "I got him, Ranma! He'll never sneak up on you again!" "But I don't want to eat brussel sprouts, mommy," Ryoga mumbled. "Shut up!" Akane barked, slamming his head into the floor. By now, Ranma was wishing he drank, because he needed a drink. * * * * * * * * * * (To be Continued) From: jstaik1043@earthlink.net -------------------- Ranma 1/2: Ranma's Horrible Secret - Part 2 By Jack Staik -------------------- (That evening) Kasumi was sitting up in bed reading her romance novel (c'mon, you knew she read them, don't try to deny it), when a blur zipped in the window and dove under her bed. The bed lurched upward, throwing Kasumi onto the floor. Kasumi looked at the shaking bed and peeked underneath. Cowering there was Ranma, shaking so hard that the entire bed vibrated. "Oh my!" she exclaimed (right, like she'd say something else). "Ranma-kun?!? What's wrong??" "Nothing," he peeped. "Just don't tell Akane I'm here." "Oh dear, did you and Akane have a fight again?" Ranma laughed. "I wish!" "???" "She's after me, Kasumi," Ranma whimpered. "If she finds me, she'll ... be *NICE* to me!" Kasumi was silent for several seconds. "You saw how she acted at supper! It's gotten worse! She let me watch my favorite TV shows! She offered to let me *bathe* with her! She stopped in my room to check up on me! Not just once but over and over!" "Wasn't that nice of her?" "You know what I caught her doing just now? Moving my stuff to *her room*!!" Kasumi raised an eyebrow. "She says that she wants to be close if I have a nightmare or need anything, but they can't fool me! I go in there, and she and Nabiki will turn me into a pod person or something!" "For pity's sake!" Kasumi mumbled in exasperation. "This has gone on for long enough!" She went to the door of her room and leaned into the hallway. "Akane! Nabiki! Come here!" "YEEK!!" exclaimed Ranma, diving into Kasumi's closet. Akane and Nabiki came into Kasumi's bedroom, wearing their pajamas and looking both curious and nervous. "Is there something wrong, oneechan?" Akane asked. "I hope not," she answered. Akane looked puzzled. "What do you mean?" "You two have been acting ... oddly around Ranma tonight." "I have no idea what you're talking about," Nabiki said. Kasumi shook her head sadly. "Apparently, Akane climbed into the bath with Ranma and tried to move him into her room. He's hiding in my closet right now." "TRAITOR!!" sounded a voice from the closet. Akane dashed up. "In your closet? Thanks, oneechan!" Akane's eyes bugged out from the impact of Kasumi's mallet. Nabiki was shocked. She'd *never* seen Kasumi use The Mallet Trick - ever! "Normally, I don't interfere in your private lives," Kasumi began in her 'Maternal-Figure-Putting-Her-Foot-Down' voice (seldom heard since the girls entered their teens), "but I can't have you terrorizing poor Ranma like this." Akane looked shocked. "'Terrorizing'?" Her eyes filled with tears, her lower lip quavered - "Hoo-boy," Nabiki commented, "Now you're done it." "WAAAAAHHHHH!!!" Akane cried. "I JUST WANTED HIM TO FEEL SAFE AND WARM AND LOVED SO I COULD TAKE CARE OF HIM!! NOW HE HATES ME!! WAAAAAHHHHH!!!" "Akane!" Kasumi snapped. "Why do you need to take care of Ranma?" Akane wailed louder. "NABIKI TOLD ME ABOUT IT!! I DIDN'T KNOW!! I'M SO SORRY!! WAAAAAHHHHH!!!" The soaking-wet Akane wondered, briefly, where the bucket of water came from. Kasumi knocked on the closet door. "Ranma, come out. I won't let them get you." Ranma poked his head out cautiously. "Promise?" Kasumi nodded. "My word of honor." Ranma came out cautiously, as if he expected drug-crazed spearmen to leap out from under the wallpaper and skewer him. (Well, as a non-martial-artist would act in such a situation; right now, a few dozen drug-crazed spearmen would actually be a relief to him.) Kasumi turned to Nabiki. "Now, Nabiki-chan ... what did you tell Akane?" "Five thousand yen," she said automatically. "At least she's almost back to normal," Ranma muttered. "Nabiki ..." Kasumi said warningly. "Alright! I admit it!" Nabiki turned to Ranma. "I ... wanted to get something embarrassing on you, something I could sell." "Nabiki!" Kasumi said with disapproval. "I'm sorry!" she said. "Ranma, you know I never ... really liked you." "I got that idea," he said. "It was because I thought you were ... playing with Akane and all those girls. That you got off on all those girls chasing you, and the 'panicky Ranma' bit was an act." She hung her head low. "Gomen nasai, Ranma-san. I ... know better now." "Um, okay," Ranma said, confused. "What changed your mind?" "I ... found your medical records. And those CAT-scans." Kasumi looked at Ranma. "What CAT-Scans?" Ranma explained, "Before Tofu-sensei left for that government job, he wanted to study how I used my ki- abilities. So he had me do some medical tests and some experiments." Ranma suddenly got a look of comprehension. "Is *that* why you've been acting so weird?" "What do you expect?" Akane said testily. "All this time I thought you were a pervert, and you *can't* be! And I've been treating you like garbage! With no reason!" She started weeping and sat on the bed. Ranma sat besides her and put his arms around her. "It's all right, Akane ..." he cooed gently. "Could someone please explain this?" Kasumi asked. Nabiki took a deep breath before explaining. "It's called Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder. Ranma's brain is ... damaged." "What?" Kasumi asked, trying to comprehend. "The part of Ranma's brain where sexual arousal is centered is a mass of scar tissue," Nabiki explained. "Ranma can't feel sexual pleasure. Ever." "That's not entirely true," Ranma interjected. "I can get erections, have orgasms, that sort of stuff. It just don't mean nothin'. I don't get ... horny." Kasumi sat down with a thud. "How did this happen?" Kasumi asked. "When I was a kid," Ranma began, "Oyaji was teaching me to dodge. He would swing boards at me, and I would try to dodge. One of the boards hit me - one with a nail on it. It went in -" he pointed to a spot on his forehead, "- right here." "Oh dear," Kasumi said. "Aw, it wasn't so bad," Ranma said. "The doctors got to the infection before it became gangrene." Akane hugged him tight. "Doc Tofu's CAT-scan showed the scar tissue, and a some other tests showed my condition." He shrugged. "It's no big deal." "But -" Kasumi asked, "- all those times you saw Akane or some girl naked - you'd blush and stammer -" "Just 'cause I don't get horny don't mean I don't get embarassed!" Kasumi's face showed a look of profound revelation. "I'm going to kill Genma Saotome," she whispered. "I'm going to kill him dead." "Can I help?" Akane asked. "I can arrange to dispose of the body," Nabiki added helpfully. "But why the big fuss?" Ranma asked. "Because we feel guilty, you jerk!" Akane exclaimed. Then she looked shocked. "Oh no! I'm sorry!" "Akane ..." Nabiki said. "We discussed this, remember? Ranma's condition produces some socialization problems. He can't help but act like a jerk sometimes." Kasumi looked at Ranma with pity. "Poor Ranma ..." "HEY!" Ranma said defensively. "There ain't nothin' wrong with me! Just because I don't run around acting like Happosai don't mean there's anything wrong with me!" "You're right, Ranma," Nabiki said calmly. "Sorry." Ranma nodded and sat down again. "Um, why don't you take Akane to bed?" Kasumi asked. "She's probably tired." Ranma nodded and led Akane to her room. "One positive effect - he doesn't have strong emotions for very long," Nabiki explained. "He's actually a lot calmer than he'd be naturally. If he was normal, with his temper, he'd be having fights to the death every other day." She chuckled. "Heck, half the stuff I've done to him would have sent him into a killing rage. His condition probably saved my life." Kasumi could only shake her head. * * * * * * * * * * Akane sat up in her bed, Ranma hovering nearby. "You feeling better, Akane?" he asked. "Sure," she said, nodding. "Okay," he said, heading for the door. "I'll go to bed now." "Be careful!" she said. Ranma turned around. "Akane! I'm just going to bed. It's not like I'll get hurt walking down the hall." "Sorry," she said sadly. Ranma sat down on her bed. "Akane - I've got brain damage. That doesn't mean I'm made of glass. I've been getting into fights and taking baths by myself and even going to bed since before we met." "I know!" she said. "But I still feel -" She looked down, blushing. "What?" "I want to - protect you." Ranma smiled. "Now you know how I feel." Akane looked up at him hopefully. "You want to protect me?" Ranma looked nervous. "Well, y'see, uh - I'd better get to bed now." As Ranma left the room, Akane asked, "Ranma?" "Yeah?" "Do you miss it?" Ranma shrugged. "Can't miss something you never had." As he turned again, she repeated, "Ranma?" "What?" "I still want to be your friend." Ranma's voice got hoarse with emotion. "I still want to be your friend, too." As Akane settled down to sleep, she thought of how her life had changed since that morning, of how her opinion of her fiancee had changed - and one other thing... If any of those perverted girls laid a finger on her fiance, there would be Hell to pay. From: jstaik1043@earthlink.net -------------------- Ranma 1/2: Ranma's Horrible Secret - Part 3 By Jack Staik -------------------- "Here, Ranma, eat up." "Akane!" Ranma protested. "I can eat by myself!" "Sorry," she said. "But you have too much starch in your diet. You need more vegetables." "Look at what a good wife my baby girl would make him!" cried Soun. "And they won't let us marry them!" "Ungrateful boy!" Genma snarled. "She treats you well, and you don't even have the decency to marry her!" "Ite ..." quoth Genma from underneath the mallet. "One more word from you, and we get a new panda-skin rug for the den!" Akane snarled. "I was just testy from hunger," Genma weaseled. "Kasumi fed the rest of you, but I haven't seen one bite." "Yes, I was wondering about that," Soun pondered. "Kasumi! Where is Saotome's food?" "Ranma's been fed." "What of Genma? We can't let a guest starve!" "Oh, *him*!" Kasumi spat, her voice dripping with contempt. "Here!" Genma looked in surprise as a pack of instant ramen bounced off his head. "Just keep him out of my kitchen - he's unsanitary." Soun and Genma could only stare in open-mouthed shock. Nabiki observed the whole mess with some amusement. She knew about Akane's maternal urges - they'd tended enough birds with broken wings and stray animals over the years. But Kasumi's vengeful streak was new. The human race could hardly be beat for sheer entertainment value. * * * * * * * * * * Shampoo waited on the rooftop, bicycle at the ready. She scanned the streets, awaiting her Ranma. The Plan proceeded as Great-Grandmother had outlined; being treaded on casually, having his precious Akane turn her back on him contemptuously, the combination of arousal and debasement ... all carefully calculated. The foolish male would have his spirit broken soon enough, and he'd be hers. If he were in Joketsuzouko, he'd be in a locked room and the process would take days. Here in the Outside World, it took longer, but was no less certain. The 'brainwashing', as the silly outsiders called it, was based on thousands of years of tried-and-true procedure. She spotted him, walking along the top of the fence, Akane walking on the sidewalk alongside. Poor Akane ... in her frustration and jealousy, she was making his conversion into a proper male so easy! Every male-tamer should have an Akane to help her. Chuckling at her own thought, she launched the Bicycle of Death. The thunk as her tire connected with Ranma's head was perfect, as was the second thunk as Ranma's head connected with the fencetop. "Nihao, Ranma! Airen take Shampoo on date? ACK!" Shampoo gagged as Akane's hands squeezed her throat, her vision graying. "HOW DARE YOU HURT MY RANMA, YOU BITCH!! DIE DIE DIE!!" Shampoo tried to pry the impossibly-strong fingers from her throat, but couldn't get a grip. "AKANE!! DON'T!!" Akane abruptly released her death-grip, letting Shampoo fall to the ground, gasping in great lungfuls of air. "Are you alright, Ranma? Did that gaijin whore hurt you?" <'Gaijin whore'? You'll pay for that!> "I'm okay, Akane - she does that all the time. Stop that!" "I have to check for head injuries." "Dammit, Akane! Just because of some silly medical condition -" "It's not silly! And I can't help it! It's - instinct!" Ranma took a deep breath. "Akane, I appreciate you getting Shampoo off of me - really. But I am not made of rice paper! I'm a martial artist!" "I know, Ranma," Akane said. "I'm sorry." Akane watched the annoyed Ranma suddenly become a calm Ranma. A thought struck her. "You okay, Shampoo?" Ranma asked. Shampoo staggered to her feet, trying to croak out a reply. "Oh, she's fine," Akane said airily. "Let's get to school!" "Urph!" Shampoo exclaimed as Akane's shoe stepped on her face. The Amazon struggled to her feet, watching her prize walk off arm-in-arm with the Tendo girl. Something weird was going on here. * * * * * * * * * * Ukyo slipped on her bandolier of throwing spatulas and was ready for school when she heard a sound from her bedroom. Dashing out of her bathroom, B.A.S. (Big-Ass Spatula) at the ready, she burst in yelling an incoherent battle-cry. "DON'T KILL ME!! DON'T KILL ME!! DON'T KILL ME!!" the teenaged girl cried. Ukyo stopped, the edge of the B.A.S. almost touching her head. "I know you," Ukyo said. "You're Kikuko - Nabiki's toady." "I prefer 'special assistant'," she protested. "What'cha doin' here, girl?" "I'm only following orders!" "And what would those orders be?" "Ummm..." Ukyo raised the B.A.S. again. "I'LL TELL!! I'LL TELL!! Nabiki doesn't pay me enough to take this kind of abuse!" Ukyo looked surprised. "She *pays* you?" "Damn little - and the kickbacks are murder. Not to mention the taxes!" Ukyo lowered her spatula. "Talk!" "I came to get back all those Ranma-pics Nabiki sold you." Ukyo thought about that. She had a good-sized collection of pics of Ranma - in both forms (she liked that sort of thing). She even had a picture of a naked male Ranma which had cost her ten thousand yen; the jewel of her collection. "Why does Nabiki want the pictures back? I paid her good money!" "She wants to destroy them! All of them! Everyone's running all over town trying to get them all!" That puzzled Ukyo. Why would Nabiki do *that*? She made a good living off those pics, but she couldn't make enough replacing them to make destroying them all profitable. Ukyo thought about it as she heaved Kikuko out the window ... if she were destroying Ranma-pics, *why*? Well, if it were *her*, Ukyo would do it because he's *her* fiancee, but she wouldn't do it in the first place - Inspiration kicked Ukyo in the head. "THAT BITCH!!" Ukyo shouted. "Nabiki's wanting to keep Ranma for herself!" It was so obvious! Nabiki destroys all the Ranma-pics in circulation, and not only does Ranma feel grateful (thus lavishing all his affection on her), Nabiki keeps the Glory Of Ranma all to herself! "That's all I need - *another* damn fiancee! Well, the little pornographer won't get away with it!" * * * * * * * * * * Akane and Ranma-onna came into the Nerima Family Clinic, annoyed. "Stupid old bitch!" Akane growled. "Tell me about it," Ranma-onna muttered. Doctor Nasaka (Doctor Tofu's replacement) came out upon hearing the bell of the front door. "Well, hello, youngsters. I see the old woman tagged you again, Ranma. Can I help you - aside from the obvious?" "Naw - just the obvious." "Um, doctor? "I've been worried about Ranma's diet -" "Akane!" "You don't eat enought vegetables, Ranma! I was just wondering if he had some vitamins!" "No problem. Ranma-san, the water's in the usual place. I'll get Akane's vitamins." Ryoga Hibiki moved a bit, letting the bandages that Nasaka- sensei put on stretch. He *knew* that Ranma had done something horrible to Akane, making her behave like that. There was no other possible explanation for it. He briefly entertained the possibility that Ranma put her under a spell, but discarded it. That explanation would be admitting that Tatewaki Kuno was right about something, and that, by natural law, made the explanation wrong. Ryoga heard a voice in the next room - Akane! Here! Perhaps that brute Ranma hurt her! Putting his ear to the door, Ryoga listened. "Doctor? Do you know about Ranma's - condition?" "The HSDD? Of course." Ryoga strained. while he heard Akane alright, he couldn't quite make out the doctor's deeper voice; a word ending with 'cee'? He cracked the door slightly. "Well, I was wondering if you had any tips for taking care of him?" "Just try to not hit him as much," he chuckled. "Oh, definitely! I'm not ever hitting Ranma ever again! Not with *his* condition!" Ryoga wondered. Ranma had a medical condition that made Akane want to *not* hit him?? "Here you go, Akane." Akane read the bottle's instructions. "Doctor? These are marked 'Recommended for Pregnant Women'." "I know." Ryoga gasped. "But he's not a woman." Ryoga thought with dread. "Don't worry, Akane-san; that just means that it has all the recommended vitamins in large doses. It'll work on men as well." The doctor noted the worried look on her face. "You just found out?" Akane nodded. "And you feel guilty?" "Well, yeah, kinda. I mean, if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have banged on him so much." "Yeek!" Ryoga exclaimed, slapping a hand over his mouth. "It's like it's my fault!" "You couldn't know, Akane - Ranma's condition is rather exotic. Many doctors don't even believe that it exists." "But will it ... I mean, what about ... *you* know!" She blushed. "You wonder if Ranma can still have sex, despite his condition?" Ryoga entertained thoughts of seppuku. "Well..." "He can still perform - he just doesn't want to." Akane kept blushing. "I was - just curious. Thanks for the vitamins, doctor." As Akane left, Ryoga sank into his deepest, darkest depression ever. All light left his world, and he shut himself in the dungeon labeled 'Deepest Despair'. "HOW CAN THE HEAVENS BE SO CRUEL?!?" he wailed. "RANMA'S PREGNANT WITH AKANE'S BABY!!" (To Be Continued) From: Jack Staik -------------------- Ranma 1/2: Ranma's Horrible Secret - Part 4 By Jack Staik -------------------- Tatewaki Kuno, majestic in his glory, witnessed the approach of the vilest of the vile, the dark magus Ranma Saotome and his helpless victim, Akane Tendo. Holding his bokken at the ready, his majestic voice called out his challenge. "Foul sorcerer! Today, thou shalt learn the terrible cost of defying justice! For the vengeance of Heaven is nigh! Come forth and feel the righteous wrath of Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High School, and know defeat! For thou shalt surely be forced free the wondrously lovely Akane Tendo and the most beauteous Pig-Tailed Girl from thy foul demonic clutches today!" Ranma shook his head. "Man, Kuno, don't you ever get tired of your own voice?" "Ignore him, Ranma," Akane said firmly. "He's not your problem." "But he challenged me!" Ranma protested. "I have to answer!" Akane wanted to tell Ranma not to fight because the dolt might get in a lucky shot and hurt him, but she knew that wouldn't work. She wanted to tell him that she would take care of Kuno, but then they'd get in an argument like they always did, and she didn't want to argue with him anymore. A burst of inspiration hit her. "Ranma?" Akane asked sweetly. "Don't you always win against Kuno?" "Yeah," he said. "Does Kuno ever get any better?" "Nope." "And you're always getting better?" "Yeah." "So when you beat him, isn't that like you were picking on someone who couldn't defend himself?" Ranma looked confused for a second, then he nodded in agreement. "You're right! I can't fight Kuno anymore! At this point, it's like picking on a little kid!" "WHAT?!?" Kuno bellowed. "Akane's right, Kuno," Ranma said. "Since you're too weak, slow, and clumsy to fight me properly, fighting you now is just bullying. So I can't do it." "How DARE you insult the fighting prowess of the Blue Thunder! HAVE AT THEE!!" Several seconds later, Kuno was unconscious, having been severely thrashed with his own bokken by Akane Tendo. "Hey!" Ranma exclaimed. "How come you can beat on him but I can't?!?" "Simple," Akane said. "Your honor won't let you fight everyone who challenges you - you can't fight girls, you can't fight people who are weaker - so I'll fight the ones you can't." "But -" "Hush. I'm just fighting the ones that your honor won't let you fight. You can have all the rest." Ranma smiled. "Gee, thanks, Akane. You're a real pal!" Akane smiled back, all the while trying to figure out how to keep him from fighting anyone really dangerous ... * * * * * * * * * * Shampoo was pondering the morning's events - and delivering an order of ramen - when she saw Ryoga Hibiki on the edge of a bridge, carrying a large rock. The rock was attached to his neck by a length of rope. This was sufficiently odd to attract her attention. In Shampoo's mind, an association occured: 1. Ryoga thinks everything bad in his life is Ranma's fault; 2. Ryoga is in love with Akane; 3. Something Strange happened betwen Ranma and Akane, making her protective of him; 4. Ryoga thinks something horrible just happened; 5. Therefore, Ryoga might know what happened to make Akane so protective of Ranma. Spinning around the Bicycle of Death, she aimed strainght for the Lost Boy. "Hey!" Ryoga protested from under her tire. "Do you mind?!? This is a private moment!" "Suicide usually is, Pig-Boy. Why you try to do self in?" Ryoga burst into tears. "IT'S TOO HORRIBLE FOR WORDS!!" Shampoo hopped off her bike and landed feet first on Ryoga's head, driving his face into the ground. "Perhaps it help to talk to friendly face?" she said sweetly, smiling. "Mrph," Ryoga replied. * * * * * * * * * * "NABIKI TENDO!" Nabiki turned around, and saw the site of an irate Ukyo Kuonji descending on her from across the schoolyard, battle- spatula at the ready. "Problem, Kuonji?" "DIE, BITCH!" Nabiki hadn't been a practicing martial artist since her mother died when she was a child, but she kept up her katas for their exercise value (her body was no accident - she worked at it). Today, she was grateful for those exercises as she dodged Ukyo's mad swings. "Hey! What's with you, Ukyo?!?" "I know all about your Evil Plot, Tendo!!" "Could you be a bit more specific?" Nabiki asked. "'Evil Plot' covers a lot of territory." "Your Evil Plot to seduce poor Ranma and keep him for yourself!" Nabiki looked surprised ... then she burst out laughing. "Stop rolling on the ground!" Ukyo demanded. "Get up and face me!" "BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!" Nabiki replied. Ranma and Akane walked over. "What's happening, oneechan?" " Ukyo thinks I'm trying to - BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA- HA-HA-HA!!!" Ukyo looked at Akane. "She's trying to get Ranma-honey for herself!" "Huh?" Ranma said. "C'mon! What makes you think that?" Akane asked. Ukyo explained her reasoning; Nabiki trying to destroy all the naughty pictures of Ranma so Ranma could feel grateful and she could keep him all to herself. "That's kind of a flimsy argument," Akane replied. "Why else would she do it? She makes too much money off of Ranma to just stop without an ulterior motive." Nabiki, meanwhile, had brought herself under control, gotten up, and brushed herself off. "Perhaps I learned that there are more important things than money." Almost everyone in earshot facefaulted. A few souls looked around for the Four Horsemen. *Nabiki Tendo* saying that there are more important things than money?!? "OH MY GOD!" someone cried. "IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!!" "Like what?" another someone asked. Nabiki thought of all the rotten tricks she'd pulled on Ranma, punishing him for 'crimes' that he not only hadn't committed, but would never commit. About how she bullied someone with a disability - she, who despised bullies. "Self-respect," she said. "Um - Ucchan?" Ranma asked. "Does that mean that *you* have naughty pictures of me?" "Eep!" Ukyo exclaimed as fear gripped her. *Nice* girls don't keep such things! "No! Of course not! I'm a nice girl! I - heard some other girls talking about it! Yeah! That sounds likely!" Ranma nodded in agreement. Akane didn't. * * * * * * * * * * "IS LOST BOY NUTS?!?" Shampoo yelled. "It's true! It's true!" he wailed. Shampoo kicked Ryoga in the head. "Listen, kimchee-for- brains - *girl* have baby! Not *boy*!" "But Ranma turns into a girl!" "So what?!? Shampoo turn into cat - not have kittens!!" "But I heard Akane talking to the doctor!" he protested. "Ranma *not* having baby!" Shampoo protested. "But I heard Akane talking to the doctor!" Ryoga repeated. "He even gave Akane special vitamins for pregnant women to give to him!" Shampoo was about to yell at the simpleton again, then thought about it. *Ranma* might not be having a baby ... but *Akane*?? That would be a different matter. A doctor might give Akane pre- natal advice. The Lost Boy probably misunderstood. This could endanger the Plan. Great-grandmother must be informed! "Gotta go, Pig-Boy!" Shampoo said, hopping on her bike. "Bai-bai!" Ryoga watched Shampoo ride off, then sighed, picked up his rock, and headed for the bridge again. * * * * * * * * * * Ukyo was getting in a more sour mood every second. She couldn't help but notice the way Akane was treating Ranma. She was *doting* on him! She was by his side constantly! And Ranma was sucking it up! "Akane! I ate enough already!" he protested. "You have to keep your strength up," she said sweetly. Well, Ukyo knew how to handle *that*! She ran up and glomped onto Ranma. "Hiya, Ranma-honey! How about we go someplace and be alone?" Ukyo suddenly found herself hoisted in the air by Akane. "HANDS OFF, SLUT!!" "Akane!" Ranma protested. "Don't hurt her! She's my friend!" Akane looked about to retort, but thenher face softened. "Alright, Ranma," she said, then glared at Ukyo. "But *you* have to promise to *never again* grab Ranma like that!" "Hey!" she protested. "I *am* his fiancee!" "That doesn't give you the right to glomp him!" Akane insisted. "He *likes* it!" Ukyo responded. "Um - Ucchan?" Ranma said. "I never did like being glomped." "Huh?" Ukyo said. "I don't like being glomped," Ranma repeated. "Promise?!?" Akane snarled. "Or do I have to get nasty?" Ukyo looked reluctant, but nodded. Akane put her down. Ukyo hurried away from the pair, confused. What happened? The status quo changed, and she wasn't sure how or why. Ryoga, trying to find the bridge for his Appointment with Doom, didn't notice Ukyo until she ran into him. "Ukyo-san!" he said. "Do you know where the canal bridge is?" "About a kilometer in the opposite direction from the way you're walking," she said absently. "Thanks," he said, then kept walking in the same direction. "Hold it!" she said, noticing the rock and rope. "What the heck are you doing?" "I'm going to End It All," he said. "Now that Ranma's Expecting, I have no reason to live." "Expecting what?" Ukyo asked. "A BABY!!!" Ryoga wailed. "WAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" went Ukyo's Spatula. "Boys don't have babies, jackass!" "Even ones that turn into girls?" That made Ukyo think. "Where did you hear this?" Ukyo asked. "I overheard Akane talking to the doctor." "C'mon, you twit," she said, dragging Ryoga behind her. "Let's get to the bottom of this. HEY! AKANE! RANCHAN!" Akane and Ryoga, about to go in, turned. "What's with the rock?" Akane wondered. "Probably some new training," Ranma said. Ryoga burst into tears. "I OVERHEARD THE DOCTOR! I KNOW EVERYTHING! WAAAAAHHHHH!!!" Ukyo spatula-slammed his head. Akane blushed. "Oh." Ranma looked confused. "You mean about my -" Ryoga nodded. "I heard the doctor when Akane asked about how to take care of you." "Oh!" Akane said suddenly. "That reminds me! You forgot to take your vitamins!" Ukyo saw the label; 'Recommended For Pregnant Women'. "YEEK!! IT'S TRUE!!" Ukyo exclaimed, her eyes bugging out. "Keep it down!" Ranma said. "I don't want the whole world to know! Everyone who finds out starts treatin' me funny!" "That's perfectly natural, Ranma," Akane said soothingly. "Akane! How could you do this to him?!?" Ukyo accused, spatula raised for a decapitation strike. "I didn't do it!" Akane said. "Genma did it!" Ryoga and Ukyo facefaulted. "B-b-but how - who - what -" Ryoga asked. "I thought it was just more training," Ranma said. "I didn't know anything was wrong until the damn thing penetrated." "And I won't let him do anything like that ever again," Akane said, squeezing him tight. "My poor Ranma." Ukyo and Ryoga were silent for a moment. Then they got up. "Excuse me, Ranchan," Ukyo said in a cold voice. "I have to go kill your father." "I'm coming, too!" Ryoga said, untying the rock. As Ryoga and Ukyo walked off, Ranma looked at Akane. "What was that about?" Akane shrugged. "Poor Ranma," Ryoga said. "To have to suffer like that -" "That damn panda has gone too far!" Ukyo snarled. "This is beyond mere evil! He must be *DESTROYED*!!" "Right!" Ryoga agreed. "To the dojo!"