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Snake in the Horse's Shadow
Chapter 03: Chapter 3

By: Lord Raa

 
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Snake in the Horse's Shadow

By Lord Raa


Disclaim-me-do: I don't care because I'm not there.


Part 3


Ranma sat fidgeting in the jumpsuit he'd been given for the mission.

"Something wrong, Ranma?" O'Neill asked, finding the scene mildly amusing.

"Just not used to this sort of clothing," the martial artist replied. "Still, it's not the weirdest thing someone's asked me to wear."

"What would that be?" Daniel asked, intrigued by the chance to learn about new cultures he hadn't encountered yet.

"…" Ranma grimaced as he realised that he'd let his mouth run away from him again. "I'd rather not talk about that."

O'Neill managed to keep his smirk to a minimum. "Oh, and why's that? Was it some sort of drunken frat-boy style prank?"

"I wish it was something as simple as running through town in an opposing sports team's shirt," Ranma said laughing at the absurdity of some of his adventures. "But I will say this – does the name 'Bacchus' mean anything to any of you?"

Daniel's eyes widened. "B-Bacchus?"

"Danny?" Jack asked. "Are we going to regret asking about this?"

"I… well… Bacchus was the Roman god of wine. He was worshiped through orgiastic rites," the archaeologist explained nervously.

"I see," the Colonel nodded.

"See what, Sir?" Carter asked as she arrived to take her seat. Teal'c arrived a moment later and sat next to the captain.

"It's nothing, Carter. So, have you found the planet we're going to?"

"We have sir, it's PX-758," the blonde answered. "Are you sure it's nothing, Daniel seems a bit off."

"It's nothing," Ranma insisted, his cheeks tinged with red as he thought back to the time he was forced to attend THAT party.

Carter remained unconvinced, but continued with the briefing. "We're going to scan the area with the UAV and head out in the direction of the mine.

"Ideally, I'd like to bring back samples of the ore in various stages of refinement, but we'll see what's there and bring back what we can."

"Do we know if the planet is inhabited?" Daniel asked. "And if it is, what level of civilisation are we talking about here?"

"Yeah," Jack nodded, "we don't want to upset any locals by insulting their customs."

Ranma shot the Colonel a dirty look, but remained tight-lipped.

"Are you sure that there's nothing going on here?" Carter asked.

"Why is the planet called PX-Whatever?" the martial artist asked, quickly changing the subject.

"It's based on a binary code the computer uses for extrapolation, Ranma," the blonde explained. "The computer translates the order of the symbols on the Stargate to come up with an address. These are the symbols that Teal'c provided us with."

After Carter finished drawing the symbols on the whiteboard, Ranma looked over them and his eyes widened.

"No… But do we have to go to THAT planet? Can't we go somewhere else?"

"What's wrong with this planet? Teal'c said it was safe," O'Neill said.

"Indeed. The Goa'uld have abandoned this planet almost two years ago, although I do not know the reason for this."

Ranma rubbed his neck in embarrassment, sweat trickling down his brow. "Ah-hehe, you see, umm..."

"What aren't you telling us, Ranma?" O'Neill asked, unsure if he was getting a bad feeling about this.

"Do I really need to go with you on this mission? Can't I just borrow your Stargate and go home with my father?" Ranma asked, laughing nervously. "I mean, I did blow up Apophis…"

"Tell us what's up with this planet, Ranma."

The martial artist sighed. "One word: Bacchus."

"Oh," Daniel and Jack said in unison.

"What about 'Bacchus'?" Carter demanded. "What aren't you telling me?"

"Indeed, I am also unaware of the significance of the word Bacchus," Teal'c added.

"Festival; wine; dancing with…" Ranma paused as counted on his fingers. "Yeah, dancing with eight naked girls; waking up under those girls feeling tired and sticky."

SG-1 looked at the pigtailed man in shock.

"Run that by us again, Ranma," Jack requested. "I mean, just so we're clear. The last time you were on this planet, you ended up at an orgy?"

The martial artist nodded once. "Yeah, but in my defence they insisted."

"Insisted?" Carter asked, her left eye twitching with barely suppressed rage.

"Yeah, I mean, I would have been happy with just some food for the work I did. I never wanted things to get out of hand."

"What work did you do for them, Ranma?" Daniel asked. He noticed the look on the blonde's face and quickly added, "It was just manual labour, right? You know, like helping out on a farm?"

"Well, it started out like that. Which was fine – I was quite happy to move bags of grain about all day," Ranma explained. "It's just when someone mentioned something about making an 'offering to the Gods of Fertility' that things got a bit weird."

General Hammond chose that moment to walk into the Briefing Room. "Is something the matter, Colonel O'Neill?"

"General Hammond, Ranma has been to this planet before."

"Oh, I trust he has a good relationship with the local people."

"You could say that, Sir," Captain Carter replied through clenched teeth.

"Very well, you leave in 30 minutes," the bald man said.

"Err, General, can I have a quick word?" O'Neill said, quickly shooting a look towards the blonde officer that told her he was dealing with the situation. .

"Certainly, meet me in my office in five minutes."


"Colonel O'Neill, what is it that you wanted to talk to me about? Do you think that the locals will have a problem with Ranma?"

"Sir, do you remember what happened when I was on Argos?" Jack asked.

"You found yourself married to a local," General Hammond replied.

"Yeah," the Colonel winced. "The thing is, Ranma might find himself in a similar situation on this mission."

"Colonel O'Neill, are you telling me that your new friend is an interstellar playboy?"

"Kinda, maybe…"

The General rubbed his bald head. "Colonel O'Neill, you certainly have a knack for finding interesting companions."

"It stops things from getting dull, Sir."

"Dismissed, Colonel."


Samantha Carter was not happy. She had experienced a number of situations that had been incredibly sexist, at least in her opinion, but this revelation about Ranma's activities on this planet were in a completely different league.

She noticed just how worked up she was getting and took a deep breath to calm down, lest she do something foolish, like punching a wall.

Walking to the Embarkation Room, she cast a dark look at Ranma before turning to face Daniel.

"Daniel, we're not likely to…"

The scholar held up his hands. "I honestly have no idea, Sam. But I find it highly unlikely that we're going to be invited to…" he trailed off when Ranma turned to face them.

"They told me that the fertility offering thing is only every five years," the martial artist explained. "It's not been five years since I was there."

"Then why are you reluctant to return, Ranma?" Teal'c asked.

"Because several of the girls were trying to get me to stay and raise families there," Ranma answered. "They were trying to convince my father that I should marry them."

"What's wrong with marriage?" Carter asked, hoping that Ranma wasn't as irresponsible as he seemed.

"Because when you're wanted dead or alive in countless star systems, you don't want to hand people unnecessary leverage over you. We all know how ruthless the Goa'uld can be, so why would I want to risk women and children getting hurt?"

The members of SG-1 had to concede that Ranma had a point there, Jack O'Neill's arrival prevented further discussion on the matter.

"Are we all ready to go?"

"Yes, Sir," Carter nodded.

"Good," the Colonel smiled. "Now, are we going to behave ourselves? I don't want any infighting, outfighting, random seduction of locals or my team members. I just want us to pick up some rocks and bring them home."

"Sounds good to me," Ranma said as the wormhole opened. "One question: if we meet up with the locals, are we allowed to stay for dinner?"

"Just get through the Stargate, Ranma!" Carter ordered. "Stupid greedy jerk…"

The other members of SG-1 decided that it would be better to do as Sam had "suggested" and strolled through the Stargate after the pigtailed martial artist.


Stepping through the wormhole, SG-1 scanned the area.

"O'Neill, I see several people approaching on horseback," Teal'c pointed to a hill to the left of the Stargate.

The Colonel looked through his binoculars. "I can't see any weapons, so I guess it's just civilians out for a ride."

"Can I have a look?" Ranma asked. When handed the binoculars, he was able to make out red and gold crest. "Oh crap."

"What? Are we going to be attacked?" O'Neill asked, scanning the area for potential ambush spots.

"Not quite," the martial artist said as he looked at the nearest rider, a young woman dressed in a red riding outfit. "Good news/bad news situation here. Good news is that unless we forget our manners and upset people, there shouldn't be any trouble getting what we want."

"And the bad news?" Jack asked, checking his MP5.

"That welcoming committee was sent by Baroness Liante."

"And why is that bad news?" Daniel asked, checking his own weapon.

Ranma handed the binoculars back to O'Neill. "It's bad news because Baroness Liante hates to see people single and lonely. She may try to fix you up with a local."

"I am already married," Teal'c stated.

"That hasn't stopped her arranging group marriages in the past."

SG-1 turned to look at Ranma.

"Oh, how I wish I was joking," the martial artist added. "Also, she may try to fix Captain Carter up with one of us guys."

"…" the blonde held up a finger to interrupt. "Wait, what?"

"The Baroness plays by a different set of rules to the rest of us," Ranma explained. "Hell, she barely plays by her own rules. Just be careful not to upset her or we'll all be in trouble. And my plans for the future don't include staying here to help make the next generation."

"Neither do mine," O'Neill said, putting the safety back on his weapon. "Let's go and meet the welcoming committee."


"Halt, who goes there?" the lead horsewoman asked, her keen vision scanning the visitors. "Wait, are you Ranma Saotome?"

"Crap." Ranma's shoulders slumped. He took a deep breath and looked up at the blonde. "Yes, I am Ranma Saotome; I'm here with these folks because we want some of that trinium ore."

"And just what makes you think that Baroness Liante is going to let you just take what you want from our world?"

"We're not here to mine the planet, we're just looking for some samples to take home and study," the martial artist countered. "Just twenty or thirty kilos of ore in various stages of refinement and we'll leave you alone."

The horsewoman looked down at Ranma. "Are you sure you're Ranma Saotome? I always thought he was… more impressive."

Carter somehow managed to contain her snigger at the way the arrogant martial artist was regarded by the locals.

"If you don't believe me, that's fine, but didn't the Baroness say that if I was to ever return here, I'm to see her in person as soon as possible?" Ranma asked. "Do you really want to upset the Baroness?"

"No," the blonde conceded. "What are your names?"

"Colonel Jack O'Neill."

"Captain Samantha Carter."

"Dr. Daniel Jackson."

"Teal'c."


Thirty-five minutes later, SG-1 arrived at Baroness Liante's manor.

Well manicured grounds surrounded a three-storey building, clad in brilliant white stone. Seven marble pillars supported the front of a large stone portico, and in the corners of the building, there were towers that overlooked the surrounding area.

Jack O'Neill removed his cap and scratched his head. "Someone's done alright for themselves."

"I've never seen architecture quite like this before," Daniel commented. "I'm seeing elements of classic Roman villa design, but the towers… They seem out of place, but they look functional."

"We can see the Stargate from here, that's how we knew you were coming," the lead escort explained from atop her horse. "The Baroness also wanted to keep a look out for when Ranma Saotome returned. Though I don't understand why…"

Ranma rubbed his face. "I'm doomed, aren't I? Just what gods did I upset? Anyway, I'm sorry for being rude, but that's your name?"

"Lieutenant Raquel Falco, of the Baroness' Household Cavalry," the horse rider introduced herself.

"It is nice to meet you, Lieutenant Falco," O'Neill smiled pleasantly. "Shall we meet the Baroness?"

"You're eager; the Baroness likes eager people," Raquel commented knowingly. She led SG-1 and Ranma to the entrance and handed her horse off to a uniformed young man. "Follow me."

"O'Neill, I believe that I have a bad feeling about this," Teal'c said in a quiet voice.

Daniel's gaze swept over some of the statues that were decorating the manor. "You're not the only one, Teal'c."

Carter also looked at some of the alabaster sculptures. "Whoa."

"Yeah, the Baroness likes art like this," Ranma nodded in understanding. Then he saw what had caught the Captain's attention. "Oh crap."

The statue was of a man wearing a toga that seemed to barely cover his modesty and a lecherous smirk. The statue's hair was styled in a very familiar pigtail.

"Wait does that statue have…"

"I see that you've found the latest piece of my collection," a regal voice commented dryly.

SG-1 turned to face a brunette, wearing a long deep blue dress.

"… Baroness Liante, I presume," Colonel O'Neill bowed respectfully. "I'm Colonel Jack O'Neill, and this is my team SG-1. We're here to…"

Jack trailed off when the brunette suddenly appeared in his personal space and inspected him.

"…Baroness?"

Baroness Liante intense look of scrutiny melted into a pleasant smile. "Yes, I am Baroness Liante. What can I do for you?"

"Well, we're hoping to negotiate for some trinium ore, possibly coming to a commercial arrangement," the Colonel explained.

"I see," the brunette nodded. She cast her gaze towards Ranma. "Well, I see you mean business."

"What makes you say that?" Jack asked.

"Well, you've brought something incredibly valuable to the bargaining table," the Baroness said, gesturing to Ranma. "You'd be surprised how many girls ask me about getting Ranma to return here."

"What? But you said that was a one-time thing!" the martial artist shouted, suitably outraged. "And what the Hell's up with that statue of me!"

Liante just shrugged coyly before turning to O'Neill. "So then, Colonel Jack O'Neill, just how much trinium ore are you looking for?"

"As much as you're able to spare, Baroness," Jack answered truthfully.

"Hmm… Well, I suppose that we should discuss this over dinner. Tell me, Colonel Jack O'Neill, are there any special dietary requirements for SG-1?"

"Not that I'm aware of, Baroness."

"Very well, I like it when things like dinner are kept simple. Follow me," Liante said, turning theatrically. "Oh, and Lt. Falco?"

"Yes, Baroness?"

"After you've shown our guests to their rooms, change into your dress uniform - you'll be joining us for dinner too."

"As you wish, Baroness."


Sitting on the bed of his room with the members of SG-1, Ranma looked up at Jack O'Neill. He folded his arms across his chest and waited for the Colonel to speak first.

"Alright, Ranma, what's the deal with the Baroness?"

"Don't underestimate her. The Goa'uld did."

"That would explain why they have not returned," Teal'c surmised. "Do you know what it was that she did to the Goa'uld?"

Ranma nodded. "Oh yes. It's during that little struggle that she cemented her reputation. When she's angry, she can make you wish you were dead."

"Then shouldn't we try to keep her happy?" Daniel asked.

"Ordinarily, I'd agree with you. Part of the problem is that the Baroness knows precisely what to use to get her own way, be it by fair means or foul."

"That sounds like the voice of experience," said Carter, faintly amused by Ranma's predicament.

"Emotional blackmail, regular blackmail, brute force, coercion, bribery, offers of sexual favours: I've seen her use all of them," the martial artist sighed.

"So, what? We should abort the mission?" Jack asked.

"Hell no, she'll track us down and punish us if we just leave," Ranma said, rubbing the left side of his torso in memory. "You just need to be careful. Oh, and before I forget, their 'dress uniforms' might be different to what you're expecting, so try not to stare too much."

"Gotcha," the Colonel nodded.

There was a knock at the door and two guards entered.

"The Baroness has asked us to escort you to dinner," a young man bowed. "Please follow us."

The other guard, a young woman of about 22 looked at the visitors and recognised Ranma. "You! I know you!"

"Err… you do?" Ranma asked.

"Yeah, I had to…" the female guard trailed off when she realised that revealing some of her more clandestine orders was a bad idea. "Never mind that now, please follow us to the dining hall."

The pigtailed man scratched his head in confusion but shrugged and followed the guards out of his room.


The young female guard led the visitors towards the grand hall.

SG-1 were looking at the décor, noticing that there were some paintings of a great battle, they saw that a trio of death gliders had been destroyed by an increasingly familiar looking man.

"Err, Ranma, I don't suppose you'd care to explain how this battle went, would you?" O'Neill asked.

"It's a long story," the martial artist replied. He looked up to see a painting of him and his father in formal attire with their honours. It made him swell with pride. "Soon, Dad, soon we can go home."

"So this is your father?" Sam asked.

"Yes," the Baroness confirmed from the entrance to the grand hall. She was dressed in a purple satin toga, with her hair curling around her slender neck. "I thought I told you to bring your father with you the next time you visited, Ranma."

Ranma clenched his jaw for a moment before smiling politely at the aristocrat. "Alas, as much as I'd like to bring my father to visit you, Baroness, I have a prior agreement. And you wouldn't want me to cheat people, would you?"

"A fair point, Ranma," Liante smiled. "Now, follow me."

The pearl-white doors opened to reveal a dark wooden table. A white linen cloth covered the central length.

Five master crafted chairs were positioned each side of the table, with a more ornate, gilded chair at the head of the table. Behind four of the chairs stood high ranking officers.

'Female officers,' O'Neill noted.

"Ranma was right about their uniforms," Daniel whispered.

The basic dress uniforms were crimson capes, fastened around the officers' necks by a gold clasping mechanism. A white leotard that seemed to expose far too much cleavage for a senior officer and matching skirt brought forth the same thought in the American's minds – cheerleaders. The outfits were completed with black leather boots that reached mid-thigh.

After a moment's examination, it became clear that there were some subtle differences between the uniforms, mainly colour flashes on the leotards, but there were some more noticeable variations in their accessories.

One of the women, a raven-haired woman in her early thirties, was carrying an ornate riding crop.

"Hello there, I'm Colonel Ionas, of the Household Cavalry. Hello again, Ranma," she winked playfully.

"Hello again, Colonel Ionas," Ranma waved.

"Don't be so cold, Ranma," the raven-haired Colonel pouted. "I've told you to call me Sarnia."

The martial artist laughed nervously as SG-1 looked at him. "Moving along, how are you Admiral Tiante?"

A blonde woman, slightly older than Colonel Ionas, smiled at Ranma. "Well, I'd be happier if you were to help with some training, Ranma."

"Training?" Ranma repeated. "Well, if I didn't have plans, I'd be there to start first thing in the morning, Admiral."

"Oh, and what plans are these, Ranma?"

"I believe they involve his father, Maria," the Baroness interjected.

"Oh," Admiral Tiante said, that piece of information scuppering her immediate plans for some bath time fun.

Baroness Liante had made it clear that Genma Saotome was an important person, not only to the young man that travelled with him, but more significantly, to the Baroness herself.

And it was a brave person that defied the Baroness.

The next officer, a brunette, looked over SG-1 with some interest. 'That guy with the glasses is kinda cute...'

"I'm Colonel Sandhurst; I'm in charge of logistics."

The final officer to speak was a redhead, who stood significantly shorter than the others. She was also the youngest of the Baroness' guests. "Hello Ranma."

Ranma sighed. "Hello Lieutenant Meinos."

"Two things, one: it's Captain Meinos now," the redhead said, gesturing to her rank insignia. "And two: who is this new blonde woman you're with?"

"I'm Captain Carter of the United States Air Force," Sam replied defensively. "And I'm not with Ranma. I only met him the other day."

"I've seen it take less than that," Captain Meinos huffed. "So, how did you meet her, Ranma?"

"It's a long story, Rosetta. I'll tell you all you want to know, but you need to learn to be less confrontational. That's why you keep getting into fights," the martial artist chided.

"I think it's more down to people being jerks," the redhead muttered.

The sound of footsteps rapidly approaching cut off further discussion on Captain Meinos' behaviour.

"Sorry I'm late," Lieutenant Falco apologised breathlessly. "It took me a while to find my knife.

"Knife? I thought this was dinner," Jack asked. "Are you all armed?"

"Oh yes," the Baroness smiled. "I've seen officers captured at official functions because they were unarmed. It's true that it's only a knife tucked in the boot, but it's better than having to fend off attackers with a salad fork."

"Bah, a salad fork is enough to take down a death glider."

"Wait, what?" the human members of SG-1 asked in unison as they turned to look at Ranma.


To be continued…?

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